Comedian Howie Mandel’s recent quip about how he received a compliment about his looks had the internet talking ― and a therapist says it sheds light on a vital consideration when commenting on someone else’s appearance.
During an appearance on “Live with Kelly and Mark” last week, host Mark Consuelos congratulated Mandel on his 70th birthday when host Kelly Ripa chimed in, “It doesn’t make any sense.”
“What do you mean it doesn’t make any sense?” Mandel asked, while both Ripa and Consuelos hurriedly told the comedian that he “looks great.”
“I look great? That doesn’t mean anything,” Mandel replied while pointing at the hosts. “No. No. No. No. I don’t like that, because that’s a caveat!”
The hosts were only saying he looked “great” because of his age, Mandel explained, although Ripa insisted otherwise. “It’s like saying you’re smart for a stupid person,” he added.
Mandel and the hosts went back and forth and exchanged a few laughs before Mandel finally conceded that he is “gorgeous.”
Robin L Marshall via Getty Images
Mandel later posted a video of himself on Instagram clarifying that he was joking with Ripa, despite social media commenters saying the on-air moment felt awkward and tense.
“Philosophically, I don’t believe … somebody who’s a comedian needs to apologize for a joke,” he said in the video. “But this is for Kelly Ripa, who in the past has been incredibly supportive … it is a joke, it is meant as a joke and it’s not meant to offend.”
“Sometimes, as a comedian, things don’t land the way you mean them to land,” he later said. Mandel then said he was “sorry to Kelly,” and teasingly said that after “self-reflection,” he has come to terms with the fact that he looks great for his age.
“I look fantastic, and I just have to embrace the fact that I look this good,” he said.
Many people in the comments section of Mandel’s post responded playfully. Michael Gelman, executive producer of “Live with Kelly and Mark,” teased: “During these divided times, one thing we can all agree upon is that you do look great … for your age.”
While Mandel has since clarified that his banter with the hosts was in good fun, the moment sparked a lot of debate on social media about giving compliments, as well as the enduring question: Should we compliment people for looking good for their age?
While such praise may be well-intentioned, Alexandra Cromer, a licensed professional counselor with Thriveworks, cautioned that it’s understandable that someone might feel offended by that type of compliment.
“This specific compliment is very reductionist in nature; it posits that the person defies some negatively stereotyped norm for what others believe that they ‘should’ look like as they age,” she told HuffPost. “It also can be received as offensive because of the modifier ‘for our age.’ When we compliment someone, we want it to be direct and not seemingly dependent on other factors (age, gender, etc.).”
“Someone can interpret this as negative, reductionist, and a sort of limiting belief system that one holds and then are trying to assign to someone else,” she continued.
It’s best to be cautious when complimenting someone’s looks overall, Cromer said.
“You should be very cautious, sensitive, and consider your reasons for commenting on someone’s looks,” Cromer said, noting that you can’t always control how your compliment about someone’s appearance will be received by the other person.
“In current society, there is a lot of indirect and direct pressure on people of all ages to achieve a ‘beauty standard’; and often, that standard is very difficult to reach and even more difficult to maintain,” she said.
Cromer added that she counsels her clients through a thought process when considering whether to comment on someone’s appearance or their age. She’ll have them ask themselves about their intentions in making the comment in the first place.
For instance, if you want to communicate to someone that they look “very healthy and happy,” it might be best to just say that directly, Cromer explained.
The “tremendous” societal pressure to look youthful can have negative effects on people as they age, Cromer emphasized.
“There is a tremendous societal pressure to look youthful,” Cromer said. “This can and often does have a negative impact on self-esteem and self-image [on someone] as they age.”
Cromer said that society communicates to people that they lose value as they age.
“We are taught that to age means to lose value because you’re losing ‘beauty,’” she said, adding that youth is often associated with the “ideal beauty standard.”
“While aging is a natural, normal process that we all will go through, it’s packaged as something to be afraid of and to avoid,” she continued. “This can cause significant fear, anxiety and even self-criticism of your physical appearance as you age.”
Cromer said that if you’re looking for a way to offer someone else a “positive, non-offensive compliment” about their appearance, it’s best to be direct and avoid qualifications — which might include mentioning a person’s age.
She said it’s a good idea to ask yourself: “What do I hope the recipient of my compliment feels/receives/takes away from this interaction?”
So, if you want to compliment someone for looking healthy, for example, Cromer recommends you focus on just communicating that.
Simply saying “You look great!” or “You look so strong!” will do the trick.
