Hilary Duff recently confirmed speculation that she is estranged from her older sister, Haylie. And therapists who specialize in coping with life transitions, family dynamics and relationships say that family estrangement can be a “healthy” choice for anyone in certain situations.
The singer/actor, who released her new album “luck.. or something” on Friday, talked about her strained relationship with her sister in an emotional sit-down interview with CBS this week.
Asked if her new song on the album, “We Don’t Talk,” was about her sister, Duff told CBS News special correspondent Anthony Mason that the new track is “definitely about my sister.”
“We Don’t Talk” contains the following lyrics: “I’m not sure when it happened / Not even sure what it was about,” before she adds: “Cause we come from the same home, the same blood / A different combination, but the same lock.”
“The most lonely part of my existence is not having my sister in my life at the moment,” Duff told CBS. She said she struggled with the decision to open up about their relationship in the album, but ultimately decided to because it’s her “truth.”
The singer described herself as “a person who exists in the world without my other half” and that she’s learned that so many other people have similar experiences.
When Mason asked whether she hopes her sister will hear the song, Duff said that she didn’t think it would help the situation.
“I think I have to just exist as a person on my own and do what I want to do,” she said. “I hope that for everyone that is where I’m sitting. You have to do what you want to do. And you have to do what feels good for you.”
“It’s taken me a lot of time to get there and to live that way,” she continued.
A representative for Haylie Duff did not immediately return a request for comment.
Generally speaking, family estrangements can affect people in different ways, said Whitney McSparran, a licensed professional clinical counselor with Thriveworks who specializes in working with individuals coping with life transitions, anxiety and depression.
“Just as all family and family dynamics are unique, the impact of estrangement on health and well-being can vary,” she told HuffPost. “Even when discontinuing contact with a family member is ultimately healthy, feelings of grief, sadness, loss, resentment, anger and unresolved hurt are common.”
“Without support to make sense of and process these feelings, they can start to negatively impact overall mood, functioning, and other significant relationships,” she continued.
Family estrangement can be the “healthiest” option in some cases, experts say.
“Choosing to eliminate or limit contact can be the healthiest thing to do when continuing the relationship means continued harm,” McSparran said. “This can include abusive behavior (emotionally, physically, sexually, verbally, financially), negative impact on your mental health or recovery process, or harm to those you are responsible for, specifically children.”
McSparran said she recommends anyone considering family estrangement to ask themselves the following questions:
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What do I hope going no or low contact will change?
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What specifically do I want this to look like?
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Am I open to resuming or increasing contact in the future? If so, what would need to change for that to be a safe choice for me and those I am responsible for?
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What are the potential “consequences” of going no or low contact? Am I ready to cope with that reality? How may this impact my other relationships?
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Who are my supports going through this process? Who do I want to know about it or be involved?
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How will I care for myself?
Kathryn Nin Emery, a licensed professional counselor with Thriveworks who specializes in family dynamics and relationships, said that it can “absolutely” be healthy to limit or reduce contact with a family member.
And in some situations, not distancing yourself from an unhealthy relationship can have grave effects on your health, she told HuffPost.
“If cases of chronic abuse and neglect are left unattended, persons can develop severe body-based symptoms and chronic conditions from the years of stress,” she said. “I tend to see gastro-intestinal issues, autoimmune issues, and chronic pain as potential symptoms of the chronic strain.”
Additionally, “chronic exposure to shame-based language, verbal abuse, put-downs, humiliations, and manipulation — especially in a multi-year fashion — can lead to deep-[seated] shame and self-worth struggles that can take years of therapy to repair,” Emery added. “It makes sense to choose to distance yourself from harm.”
Emery said that when family estrangements come up in her practice, she’ll often discuss the concepts of self-responsibility versus community responsibility with her clients. They’ll also explore whether their family issues are affecting their physical safety, financial safety, mental safety or emotional safety.
She said some people may find writing a letter to their family members productive, whereas others may have the resources to educate their family members about how they can work on addressing the harm they’ve caused.
Emery said you may ask yourself: “How is my body reacting when I am around them?” or “Am I experiencing abuse or neglect?”
Seeking professional support during a family estrangement can be “extremely” helpful.
If you have the resources to talk to a mental health professional about your decision to reduce or end contact with a family member, McSparran said that she recommends it.
“Talking with a professional can be extremely helpful when navigating complicated family dynamics, and family estrangement is no different,” she said. “A therapist can support you in processing your conflicting and complicated emotions, develop skills and strategies for managing potential consequences, and supporting you in strengthening your support network.”
Emery said she highly recommends professional support and support from your community.
“The profound grief of family estrangement is not something to be faced alone,” she said. “One needs community and social support and should be advised to fight isolation tendencies.”
“You are not alone in this process, and social support, even if it feels counterintuitive, is one of the most research-backed beneficial choices you can pursue, so please do,” she added.
