Some conversations feel less like a back-and-forth and more like a hostage situation where no matter what you say, the other person finds a way to make it about them. It turns out there’s a term for this phenomenon: conversational narcissism.
“While it’s not a clinical term, we use it in everyday conversation to describe when a dialogue turns into a monologue,” said Dr. Sue Varma, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at New York University Grossman School of Medicine and author of “Practical Optimism: The Art, Science, and Practice of Exceptional Well-Being.” “I like to think of a healthy conversation as a game of catch. You throw the ball, the other person catches it, holds it for a second, and throws it back. With conversational narcissism, the other person catches the ball and just runs away with it.”
Sociologist Charles Derber coined the term and explained the phenomenon in his 1979 book “The Pursuit of Attention,” which explored how modern society prioritizes individualism, attention-seeking and the subtle competition for social spotlight.
“This is someone who is constantly moving the conversation back to ― what about me?” said therapist and “Disarming The Narcissist” author Wendy Behary.
She pointed to the famous line from the movie “Beaches” when Bette Midler’s character said, “But enough about me, let’s talk about you… what do you think of me?”
“In short, it is someone who consistently speaks about themselves and steers conversations to be ‘about them,’” said communications consultant and author Amelia Reigstad. “This communications tactic makes others feel undervalued and less heard.”
Conversational narcissists are not necessarily aiming to be hurtful to others.
“They just have a hard time letting the spotlight move off of them,” Varma said. “It’s not necessarily a sign they are self-absorbed, though it may seem like it.”
People who engage in conversational narcissism might actually be genuinely interested in what you have to say as well. They just struggle with a bad habit.
“I often find that for those who truly monopolize the conversation, it comes from a place of deep insecurity ― they feel they have to ‘perform’ or prove they’re interesting to be liked,” Varma said. “For others, it’s actually social anxiety. They’re so nervous about a lull in the conversation that they over-talk to fill the space.”
She added that this behavior often reflects a lack of “social muscles,” rather than a lack of heart.
“They may not be good listeners ― many people who have ADHD may interrupt,” Varma said. “They aren’t trying to monopolize the conversation ― they just don’t have the best impulse control, or it helps them stay focused.”
Conversational narcissism might even stem from different family or cultural norms.
“Oftentimes children that came from families where ‘children are meant to be seen and not heard,’ or conversely, where they had to be more loud or aggressive to be heard, will find that they aren’t sure when they should or shouldn’t speak in conversations, and find that nuances that seem obvious to others are not clear to them,” said Lauren Maher, a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in anxiety, trauma and narcissistic abuse recovery. “They may try to bring the conversation back to themselves as a point of connection or as a way to bond.”
“Sometimes this type of communication is a way for someone to calm their own nerves and help them to feel like they are fitting in more,” Reigstad said. “And some don’t even realize what they are doing.”
Thus, people can display these tendencies without actually being a full-blown narcissist.
“Just because someone is a conversational narcissist doesn’t necessarily mean they have narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissism is a personality trait that exists on a spectrum, so not everyone who displays narcissistic traits meets criteria for the diagnosis,” said Chelsey Brooke Cole, psychotherapist and author of “If Only I’d Known! How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth.”
There does seem to be a sense of insecurity behind conversational narcissism, which could point to something like covert narcissism, also known as vulnerable narcissism.
“Although they might not meet criteria for a full diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder, they’re likely somewhere on the narcissism spectrum,” Cole said. “This kind of behavior exemplifies a lack of empathy, a preoccupation with their own needs, and an inability to connect with others in a genuine way.”
If you’re trying to figure out whether you or someone in your life is a conversational narcissist, experts say there are a few common signs.
The ‘Shift Response’
“Conversational narcissists can be almost entirely self-focused,” Maher said. “They tend to monopolize conversations and monologue about their life or their opinions – even if they haven’t been asked. They have a way of regularly bringing the conversation back to themselves and relating everyone else’s stories back to their own.”
Derber also coined the term “shift response” to describe the conversational narcissist habit of pivoting focus away from the person speaking and onto themselves. In contrast, a “support response” encourages the speaker to continue.
“The ‘shift response’ is the classic move,” Varma said. “If you share a struggle, instead of asking a follow-up question, they immediately shift the story to themselves. ‘I know exactly how you feel, my week was even crazier…’”
The ‘Wait-To-Speak’ Stare
Sometimes, conversational narcissism is less about what someone says and more about how they listen ― or don’t.
“They become disinterested as soon as the conversation shifts away from what they want to talk about,” Cole said.
You can often detect this in the conversational narcissist’s face.
“They may ask a question, but as soon as you begin to answer, their attention drifts, their eyes glaze over or the conversation quickly shifts back to them,” said Tracy Ross, a licensed clinical social worker specializing in couples and family therapy. “You may sense that when they do ask questions, it feels less like interest and more like they’re gathering material to bring the focus back to themselves.”
Varma described what she calls the “wait-to-speak” stare.
“You can almost see them reloading,” Varma said. “They aren’t really absorbing what you’re saying. They’re just waiting for a half-second of silence so they can jump back in.”
Constant One-Upping
Reigstad said another sign of conversational narcissism is “one-upping ― trying to ‘one-up’ you, wanting to make themselves look better than you, or to put you down.”
This pattern brings to mind Kristen Wiig’s “Saturday Night Live” character Penelope, a nervous woman who compulsively one-ups everyone around her to great comedic effect.
“It feels like a competitive sport,” Varma said. “If you have good news, they have better news. It can make you feel like your experiences are being erased.”
The conversational narcissist’s problems or victories are always bigger or more important than anyone else’s.
“An important distinction here is that they’re not skillfully sharing their similar experience as a way of increasing relatability and connection,” said Natalie Moore, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “If that were the case, they would loop back to you and ask more about how you were impacted by the event. Rather, the share becomes more of a ‘pissing contest’ of whose experience was worse, better, etc.”
Behary gave the example of someone sharing the news that they got a promotion.
“The average person is going to say, ‘Oh, that’s wonderful! Oh, you look so excited! I’m so happy for you! How amazing! Tell me more about that! What are you going to do to celebrate?’” she explained.
But a conversational narcissist would respond with something like, “Yeah, I remember when I got promoted. I’ve had several promotions in the last few years, and it’s unsurprising because I have worked so hard and brought so much to the company ― so much value. They never would be in the category that they are at this point without me. I mean, I’m not trying to brag, but I’m just saying, I know the thrill of that because it has been so amazing, etc.”
Making The Other Person Feel Drained
“There are several signs you can look for to identify a conversational narcissist, but the most reliable and consistent sign is how you feel when talking to them,” Cole said, adding that this experience tends to make people feel “exhausted, icky, overwhelmed or devalued.”
“Conversational narcissists have a way of railroading you, so after you’re done talking to them, you often feel like you need to purge yourself from all the negativity or take a nap,” she added. “They monopolize the conversation. Everything goes back to them. You’re not allowed to have a voice. They interrupt you constantly.”
These kinds of exchanges can leave people feeling empty and unseen.
“You may find you don’t look forward to speaking with these people,” Ross said. “If you walk away feeling like it was entirely about the other person ― and that you weren’t really seen or heard ― that’s a strong indicator.”
So if you’re trying to determine if someone might be a conversational narcissist, listen to your instincts.
“I always tell people to trust their gut ― if you feel drained instead of connected, that’s a huge clue,” Varma said.
Attention-Seeking And Approval-Seeking
“Conversational narcissists want your attention and agreement,” Behary said. “They’re often looking not to have you challenge them, but to simply agree with them, adore them and applaud them.”
If you find someone doesn’t respond well when you challenge what they say or express something inconsistent with their point of view, it might be a case of conversational narcissism.
“There’s something going on there in the world of insecurity, deep down in the core of their experience, that might suggest they’re needing an audience, needing approval, attention, adulation, sympathy,” Behary said. “They are attention-seeking. They are approval-seeking. They are grandstanding.”
